[Beginning of Part F]
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Wednesday Afternoon
(Eastern)
A.L.U.C.H.Q.M.O.U.S.E.
B Tower Lift
Boston, MA
Mental was tired. It had been the longest week of his life -- which,
given the literal decades he spent completely alone in the Wasteland, was
saying something. But... it was getting better. Samantha was doing better.
Roger and Melody had at least tentative plans to stop being two beings in
one body. Charlie was recovering well. Burt had gotten his sense of humor
back. Even Phobos was doing well -- Summer having a lot to do with that. And
yes, they were working out the particulars of both repairing Stately Ward
Manor and closing up the Mob's outstanding business, but even those weren't
*too* bad.
Really, if it wasn't for how depressed Hellfire was and the fact that
Maria... *existed*... he'd be doing just fine. But... he knew he'd get over
it with time, and hopefully Hellfire would too. He was glad they were going
to try and help her. He wasn't happy she'd be around the Chick-Mouse, but he
could endure it.
The lift doors opened, and Mental stepped inside. "So... where exactly
am I going, JOEL?"
«You know, most people ask that question before they get in an
elevator.»
"I am so not most people."
«And, well, we're goin' up to twelve, where we have the cybernetics
lab. It's where we have Jenny's support system going and stuff like that.»
"And that's why I'm on my way up there? Jenny-stuff?"
«Well, yeah. See, you're more or less in charge of Mob stuff right now,
and Jenny's Phobos and Summer's daughter, but since we still don't have
Xolchaportation to Team M.E.C.H.A.'s old place back up and running they
can't just zap over here. And we want to discuss a couple of options, and
you're the best person to do that with because of all the stuff I just
said.»
"Of course. She's all right, isn't she?"
«Oh, yeah. She's still in a sleep-mode state, but she's healthy -- when
we have stuff built for her, she'll be able to move right in, no data
integrity lost.»
"Thank God." He paused. "We're absolutely sure, right? I mean, I trust
you but--"
«Hey -- I've woken her up, briefly. She's okay.»
"Wait -- you have? How? She doesn't have a processing... JOEL... did
you... run Jenny as an instance on your system?"
«I got the idea from Roger and Melody! It works fine, but we don't want
to take any chances, and since the stuff we need to talk about requires some
serious thought I don't want my opinions to prejudice the process. No
worries! And you want room B-1202.»
"Right. Right. Sure thing." Mental stepped out onto the twelfth floor
of B-Tower. It had more of a hum than a lot of floors. He knew this wasn't
where JOEL's core processors were, but there was still a huge amount of
Xolchaprocessing gear up here. It had that overly dry, weirdly echoey sound
that computer rooms with computer-room-quality HVAC have.
He opened the door to B-1202, and stepped inside.
Two women were sitting at a table. They both rose. One he sort of
recognized -- she was in a black uniform with the distinctive outline of
Texas on a patch on her shoulder and insignia of various sorts on her front
-- which as a married man he elected not to stare at too long. Beyond that,
she was a startlingly hot redhead, which itself was another reason not to
stare. The other one--
The other one was a brunette, with olive skin and long brown hair and
epicanthic folds on her eyes, and Mental didn't even feel badly staring at
her. She was like a sledgehammer to the endocrine system.
}}Oh me oh my,{{ Samantha said over their telepathic link, amused.
}}I just knew one day you'd finally find my replacement. I just
didn't expect--{{
{{Hush,}} he sent back. {{I'd be embarrassed but look at her!}}
}}I am. I don't blame you at all, husband mine. But I'm going to tease
you mercilessly because I can.{{
"Mental?" The redhead had a Scottish brogue. "I'm Lieutenant Commander
Shauna Campbell of the PDFOHS -Alamo's Revenge's Revenge.- We've been
consulting with JOEL on various projects since the Satanic invasion, and he
had a few ideas that he started discussing with us after Jenny was taken
offline."
"It's nice to meet you," Mental said, shaking her hand.
"You seriously went with 'Mental' as a callsign?" the other one asked.
"I'm an authority on stupid names and that? Absolutely takes the cake."
"It's... nice to meet you too," he said, "Miss--"
She smiled an unsettling smile. "Vogel. Miss Radar Vogel."
Mental blinked. "Your name is Radar?"
"My parents had an unholy love of the television program M*A*S*H."
"Yeah, you don't get to tease me about my name."
Radar grinning, giggling. The giggle was even more unsettling. "Oh, I
get to tease you about anything I want."
Campbell rolled her eyes. "Radar is part of our crew as well -- she
works in the Unholy Abominations Engineering Cluster."
"...that's quite a nickname," Mental said.
Campbell and Radar looked at each other, then at Mental. "Nickname?"
Radar asked.
"...okay. Now that we've set a tone... may I ask what's going on and
how it involves Jenny."
"Oh, that's simple! I'm going to EXPERIMENT ON HER BRAIN!" Radar
shouted.
There was a pause.
"No you're not," Mental said.
"Aw, please?"
«It's not really experimenting on her brain,» JOEL said. «See, here's
the thing. Jenny's one of the most complex CI's on the planet, and because
of the nature of her creation she's not exactly someone you can back up.»
"I remember," Mental said. "Vividly."
«But redundancy's important, and we're not going to let something like
this happen again, cause this sucked.» JOEL sounded a bit intense. Mental
had sort of suspected the two computer intelligences had been getting
interested in each other before now -- but he didn't realize it was quite
this serious. As it was, JOEL sounded....
Well, sort of like Mental sounded when Samantha was nearly killed.
"...I don't think you can colocate her," Mental said. "I mean...
there's a nanotech side to this and that includes some kind of... *thing*
from Summer that..."
"'Thing?'" Radar asked, arching an eyebrow.
"Uh -- I'm not a computer science kind of--"
"No, I like that. We have to *colocate Jenny's Thing!*" She paused.
"Wait, that's dirty."
«You're right,» JOEL said. «There are aspects to Jenny's personality
that came from Summer's direct interface that can't be expressed in
technological terms, and that means she's limited in what can be done. She
already has some colocation between Stately Ward and the MECHA base, but
that can get weird. So we needed a way of creating that kind of bridge.»
"Which is where we come in," Campbell said. "Radar's not just a mad
scientist. She's one of the most brilliant minds of Altiverse 001SF."
"That doesn't begin to describe me!" Radar shouted. "I unlock the very
cosmos! I am the *foremost Spamologist for the entire multiverse!*" She
paused. "Don't ask about the other threemost."
"Wait -- you're foremost, now?" Campbell asked.
"Yeah, well, Bing retired and then started drinking this... stuff...
that he got from Ralph--"
"I believe you. Did you get even shoutier, by the way? Linda says you
never used to be so--"
"Oh yeah. I upped my brain game, and that means more madness. Plus I'm
showing off for the cute superhero."
"Isn't he a little young for you?"
"My last boyfriend was a time traveller."
"Um, I'm married--" Mental said.
Radar smiled. "I adore how you think that matters."
There was a ripple, and Dreamweaver's illusionary self appeared. ⸘"I
adore a lot of things. Dreamweaver. Nice to meet you."‽
Radar paused, looking Dreamweaver up and down. "Hm...."
"...Radar...." Campbell said, rubbing the bridge of her nose.
"Fine. Jeez. Anyway. I'm an insane scientist who works with Spam in all
its raw four-dimensional glory, and I've only grown more brilliant and
insane with time."
⸘"Wait... are mad scientists supposed to admit to being insane?"‽
Dreamweaver asked.
"Well... of course." Radar said. "If I couldn't admit it, how could I
harness it? It does no good to overclock the processor if you then run 8 bit
emulators on the thing."
«That is so not how that works.»
"All right." Mental said. "Can we please get back to how this affects
Jenny?"
«Well, it ties back in. We need to create a bridge that bends time and
space in ways that don't normally happen, that she can use as an escape
hatch. And, you know -- it'd be a potential retirement option for me too.»
⸘"This thing will work on Xolchatech?"‽ Dreamweaver asked.
"This thing *uses* Xolchatech," Radar said, her malevolent grin
growing. "Which I then can apply to Spamology!"
⸘"Oh, hey, that sounds safe."‽
"The ultimate goal is to create redundant safe cells for Jenny that she
can move between, observing them all independently and able to revest
herself between them." Campbell unrolled a blueprint on a nearby table. "For
maximum capability, this includes the most advanced mobile computational
frame."
Mental paused. "Most advanced... on Earth? On your ship?"
"The most advanced," Radar said. "It doesn't need to be qualified."
Campbell tapped the blueprint. "It's called the Full Body Prosthesis,
mark one, gynoid type. It runs on an ABPSARI core which also gives it
multiversal and temporal capacity, it has extradimensional spaces that can
be purpose driven, it includes a wide variety of scanning and weapons
technologies... and a bunch of stuff we stole off a guy named Natchwald."
"And... it's *cute.*" Radar pointed at the corner, where the FBP-1g was
depicted.
⸘"It's... an android body? That Jenny could host herself in?"‽
Dreamweaver sounded stunned.
"It's an android body that Jenny could host herself in... while also
being resident in microcells in your mansion, that other base, here in
JOEL's place, maybe an extra bank on the -Alamo's Revenge's Revenge-..."
Campbell grinned.
"It's nothing of the sort!" Radar shouted. "It's a *gynoid* body!
Androids are male! Or sometimes genderless!"
"And the thing is, the prototype is one thing," Campbell said, "but if
this works, we could potentially use it as durable medical equipment in
extreme circumstances."
"Meaning...?" Mental asked.
⸘"Meaning they could potentially stick a mortally wounded human being's
psyche and soul in a gynoid body before their body died,"‽ Dreamweaver said,
eyes wide.
"Naturally," Radar said. "We're calling it a Full Body Prosthesis for a
*reason‽."
"So... to sum up..." Mental said. "You want permission to build Jenny a
new system... that will include multiple paradimensionally bridged sites..."
Mental said, eyes wide.
⸘"And let her interact as a gynoid without actually removing her from
her installations,"‽ Dreamweaver murmured. ⸘"So she'll be the CI for Stately
Ward and the MECHA base, have a backup here, and also be able to tag along
with me on a trip to the mall?"‽
«Essentially? Yeah. So. Can we do it?»
Mental and Dreamweaver looked at each other.
"We'll get back to you," they said in unison.
"Ugh," Radar said. "Prudence is the enemy of innovation!"
"I am so on your side here," Campbell said to Mental and Dreamweaver.
"Thanks," Mental said. "We... need to talk about this with Phobos and
Summer. Can we borrow that blueprint?"
Radar drew a DIESCUM pistol out of a concealed holster. "Let me think
about that."
The pistol flew out of her hand and set itself on the table, well away
from Radar.
"Ugh. Telekinesis. I can tell working with you people's going to be a
*drag.*"
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Wednesday Afternoon
(Eastern)
A.L.U.C.H.Q.M.O.U.S.E.
B Tower Medium Detention Level
Boston, MA
Maria had finally slept. She'd curled up in a ball in the middle of the
floor. She was staying down. Standing was too difficult in her bare feet,
and she had nowhere to go anyway. She'd had some broth too -- not that it
mattered, since she couldn't taste it. Mostly, she just stared.
The door to the detention block opened. There were footsteps, and a
flicker of light from that side of the room.
Maria froze. *Oh God... no... no please...*
Her visitor walked up to the front of the containment cell. Her head
was wreathed in flames. The rest of her was sealed into a golden and copper
bodysuit. She had been standing next to Maria when Maria went from being
super powered to being trapped in her mirrored form. Like Maria, her life as
she knew it had ended. The shared incident had driven them together -- she
was the closest friend Maria had ever had. Closer than Phobos, even.
"Hello, Maria," Hellfire said, softly. In her right gloved hand she was
holding a canvas bag.
"Hello, Hellfire," Maria answered, as softly.
Hellfire looked around. "Do they... do they not give you anything to do
in here?"
"They offered. I don't really want to do anything."
"I know what that's like." Hellfire looked at Maria. "You trapped me in
a metal tube."
"Yes."
"You trapped me and sealed me inside a metal tube, that you then were
entombing in concrete, letting my flames die down to below an ember."
"Yes, I did."
"You were going to leave me there forever, ironically forcing me into
sensory deprivation even worse than yours."
"Yeah."
"You knew that's what would happen, and you did it anyway."
"Yes."
She nodded. "You stabbed Tim in the stomach and threw a walking brain
at him, after you made him think that his whole life was a delusion. You
nailed Samantha with allergens and spiked her epipen, so that she'd have no
chance of survival. Her and her unborn twin daughters. You literally helped
them brand and poison Charlie, trapped Burt in a box made out of his own
powers, strapped Melody and Roger into an artifact that was literally
tearing their souls to shreds, and I don't even want to talk about Phobos."
Maria nodded. "I did all those things."
"And all because some guy made you orgasm."
Maria paused, then nodded. "Yes."
Hellfire looked at her for a long moment.
"Don't do that again," Hellfire said, slightly choked up. "That's
over the line. Okay?"
Maria blinked. "Okay."
"I mean it. Never again."
"All right." She paused. "Except... I don't know if I can keep that
promise. If he were here right now--"
"Wah wah. Suck it up, Maria. Don't do that again."
Maria looked at Hellfire, then nodded. "I'll try."
"Okay." She took a deep breath. "Okay. I brought you some real clothes.
Slippers we can tighten after they're on. A loose bodysuit. JOEL's going to
let me in and you're going to let me help you get dressed. I'm afraid it
has... um... a convenience flap. Because getting it back on if you took it
off to--"
"...I get it. Right. Hellfire... I... I don't... I don't deserve..."
"Damn right you don't! But I'm not your friend because you deserve it,
you idiot. Now strip." She paused. "That came out wrong."
Maria, despite herself, snickered. "You think?"
"Little bit of a feeling, yeah." Hellfire paused. "Are you crying?"
"...I can cry if I want to."
"I'm not arguing. I'm just jealous. My tears just evaporate."
Hellfire's smile was clear even through the flames. "I am pretty pissed at
you, you know."
"I know."
"Cool."
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Friday Evening
(Pacific)
Blue Moon Tavern
Seattle, WA
"Is there a ramen place in Seattle? I could *really* go for real ramen,
and some food would do you good while you're drinking the gallon of water
I'm going to pour down your drunken throat." Chalandra sounded amused.
"Chal? Tell me again why you bother eating?"
"Ramen is its own reward, Liz."
"Right. Koraku should be open. There's usually a wait."
"I'm eternal. Is there a dress code?"
"At Koraku? I think they require shoes and demand you cover your
shame."
"Oh, well. I'll never get in then." Chalandra waved the server over,
getting out her black card.
"That's okay. We can wander the International District and get picked
up as vagrants."
"Now *that* is a party." Chalandra nodded as the server took her card
to be run. "Faith would never have transcended without you, Liz."
Elizabeth blinked. "What?"
Chalandra turned to face her. "Just what I said. Why did it take
Akane's death for Faith to transcend? Because he loved her and he had to
push beyond or she'd die. If it had been you, he'd have done the same thing.
But it wasn't you because you never died on his watch. Thanks to him, your
general awesomeness, and the rest of us, I'd add -- Hell, even Akane had to
metaphorically seduce a guy into shooting her in the head. But if you hadn't
been with Faith all those years... if you hadn't given him everything you
gave and gotten everything he offered? He'd never had found the will. Akane
would have just died. And Faith... I don't even know what would have
happened to him, but it would have been a disaster.
"Faith transcended because you made it possible. And the Mob all
survived the worst day of their lives because you taught them how to survive
the worst day of their lives, coupled with showing up when they needed you,
without fail and without complaint. Without you and that school,
Dangerousgirl and the Dash would never have been there in the first place,
Momentum would have fallen into that trap and they'd all be dead now."
Chalandra slipped out of her seat, prompting Elizabeth to do the same. "And
to cap it all off, you put yourself on the line to save them. So maybe you
weren't the lionized hero at the center of it all. Maybe you didn't die so
Faith could transcend. Maybe the papers won't put up a headline saying
'Healer boldly saves the Mob.' You have to get over that. Because God damn
it, you made it all possible. Believe me. I don't show up in Seattle on a
Friday Night and go to a dive bar instead of the Fenix for a loser." She
poked Elizabeth in the center of the chest. "I got *out* of this business,
remember?"
Elizabeth nodded. "Okay. Okay, yeah."
"Good." Chalandra signed the slip the server brought back, tipping
perhaps a bit overly much.
"So I've always been this... needy-narcissistic?" The two were walking
to the door. Elizabeth seemed more on an even keel now.
"Kinda. It's all our fault, really. We totally should have gotten you a
catchphrase."
"A what?"
"A catchphrase. Trust me, Liz -- the first time you heard Key and Yury
shout 'it's not my fault' you had the *worst* catchphrase envy. Frankly, it
was a little embarrassing."
Elizabeth laughed. "Well, yeah. Their catchphrase was awesome. And if I
so desperately wanted to be the center of attention -- you had to admit they
got a lot of attention for that catchphrase."
"Usually bad attention. Or the real attention came from their jiggling
as they shouted it. You and I both had the bad habit of going into battle
while wearing clothes."
"Oh come on. You saw my first uniform."
"And I didn't throw up. So you know my will is iron. Seriously. Studded
back panels and feathered hair?"
"I was trying to be cool!"
"Yeah, well. Swing and a miss." She grinned as they stepped out into
the cool Seattle night air. "Hey, Liz?" She smirked a bit.
"Yeah?"
Chalandra bit her lip conspiratorially. "Do you still have that
Healer-kini Key got you?"
"The red and white HotFlash and MeltDown thing? Why would I possibly
keep that atrocity?"
"Yeah, but do you?"
"...yes."
The two walked down the street, towards where they could grab a cab to
the International District. Chalandra grinned. "I kept mine too. How is it
of the three of us, Akane was the only one to wear hers where people could
see?"
"She bet against Team Cynical in their softball game with the Awesome
Force."
"Right! That's right. Who'd be stupid enough to do that?"
"As I recall? You. Did you ever finish restocking and cataloging
Badass's armory?"
Chalandra had a reply, which made Elizabeth laugh, but it was too far
away for someone standing in front of the Blue Moon Tavern to hear.
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You say you're tired
How I hate to hear you use that word
Every time it hurts
You say you're tired
How I hate to hear you use that word
Everybody hurts
Who am I to say
I know the way you feel?
I've felt your pain
And I know your sorrow
You could try to let the past slip away
Live for today
Don't stop believing in tomorrow.
--Warren Zevon, "Never Too Late For Love"
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CREDITS
The Teen Team, Mason's Mazin' Mob, Phobos, Mental, Mighty Dog,
Dreamweaver, Roger Nobody, Melody Pernicious, Mime Man,
Maria Mendez, and Sensation
were created
by Mason L. Kramer
Random Encounters was a parody derivative character
created by Mason L. Kramer under fair use for
satirical purposes.
Mighty Guy
was created
by Eric Burns-White and appears
courtesy of Gary W. Olson
Elizabeth Tirkoff and Chalandra Harkness
were created
by Gary W. Olson
Special Special Agent Richard Less
was created
by Chris Wilcox
Andy Awesome and Anne Enger
were created
by Dominic White
Nouveau Skunk
was created
by Robert "The Beez" Beeler
Dangerousman was created
by
William R. Dickson
Radar Vogel
was created
by Jeff Smith
Shauna Campbell
was created
by Frank Orzechowicz
The Superguy List is a shared comedic universe with a collaborative
shared history which is referenced and subsequently influenced
by this work.
We gratefully acknowledge
the dozens of Superguy and Sfstory Authors
who made and make this possible.
Annotations and Notes for this story
can be found at
With thanks to Gary Olson for his review and assistance,
and the generous availability of Chalandra Harkness.
Cybernetics and other technical support graciously provided
by Matthew Gerber.
Bruce Rogers's suits provided by Botany 500
in exchange for this promotional announcement.
Trudy Galloway did not appear in this story
but we have to pay her appearance fee
and second bill her anyway.
Her agent is amazing.