Set the Wayback machine to 1996, Sherman....
[Trashman's Voice]: Previously...
on the
Adventures of the Adjusted League Unimpeachable,
CalForce
and Superguy Digest.
TRASHMAN: Spandex Babe, you have been found guilty of the murder of the innocent mage Wilhelm. As the government has declined to act, we hereby impose a twenty-four month sentence wherein you are confined to the facility, with your seniority revoked, your position as Deputy Leader stripped, and your status reduced to that of Probationary Member. You have shamed us, and we do not trust you.
ROGERS INDUSTRIES OP: Healer -- the A.L.U.C.H.Q.M.O.U.S.E. has been captured by the Unimaginable League Amoral and the Awe-Inspiring Force. The team has been confirmed captured as well.
UNORTHODOX GIRL: The ULA and AIF beat Mike to within an inch of his life -- I don't even know if he can survive, much less recover.
CRIMSON CROWBAR: Thanks to our 'friend' the Masked Bruce, I finally have a Xolchipalian Defense Forces tihorn, uniform and gear once again. My effectiveness has been... considerably improved.
TRASHMAN: Last I heard, Andy Awe-Inspring was shot in the head by Ramrod and took a swan dive through a leaded glass table. But perhaps my information is out of date?
MARIE BARDOT: With the death of their leader, the Awe-Inspiring Force is directionless and pathetic, but if the Unimaginable League Amoral rebuilds their Ubermachine, we can exalt them into greatness once more.
LADY AWE-INSPIRING: I am Lady Awe-Inspiring, and I shall be the master of this world and all I survey -- to me, my Awe-Inspring Force!
EGOISTE: Perhaps we got away with the Nubermachine, but I won't forget what Marie Bardot did to her sister Geneva. We will kill Bardot, and we will keep that a secret from Geneva.
DOCTOR UNORTHODOX: I made it possible for them to escape, I surrendered myself, and my misbegotten bitch of a daughter still beat me senseless with a cast iron frying pan? That's *it!* No more mister nice Mad Scientist! I'm going to destroy Unorthodox Lass, starting by killing all her little friends in her little club!
MANDY HARKEN: I go away for one weekend and the building is half-destroyed?!
ADRIAN WOLLSTONECRAFT: The world needs order. Without it, the human race is doomed. If your... predictions are right, Alanna... then extending our offer to the Unimaginable League Amoral is the only thing that makes sense.
KID SOLIPSISM: I know that everything we see and hear is a delusion created by my own subconscious mind to give me stimulus to perceive and teach me the lessons I need to know. My false brother Faith appeared to die... but I saw the world open up and my real brother reaching down for me. And I couldn't follow -- I don't know how, Mandy. And... I'm beginning to worry if I should just revel in the dream, and not try to escape it any more.
NIMBUS: With our possession of the Nubermachine, it falls to us to recruit new members of the Unimaginable League Amoral. Badsport? Bomber Babe? Alanna Gordon? Featherhead? Two-Stroke? You and the others will undergo the Nubermachine process, being exalted into the ultimate expression of your own potential! You will become as gods among gods, and along with us we shall conquer this world! It is our inevitable destiny!
M'YET OF HOUSE DUKAT: It's tonight, R'lla. Tonight we're going to capture the Omniquantum Megabracers. It's why we're here. I *have* to do this.
MIKE GREEN: I have a clean bill of health from physical therapy! All I need's Trashman's okay and to request a new tihorn and uniform from the Xolchipalian Defense Forces and the Masked Bruce is back, baby!
DANGEROUSGIRL: I'm worried about Dianna... over the past month she's been closing off more and more. I think the confinement's really getting to her and I don't know what to do about it.
SPECTRUM: You have to stay on the horse, Dianna. Don't let them beat you. You're better than this. You're stronger than this. Stay on the horse and see it through.
XDF LEFTENANT COMMANDER RICARDO MONTALBON (Coincidence): Officer Green, you will report directly to Planet Seattle in the Ottsamattawidu Confederation, and investigate the military buildup and situation. If you are still without a uniform and tihorn... well. Let us hope you will not need them. This is a direct order.
XDF LEFTENANT PETER WELLER (Coincidence): Montalbon's ordered to not relay Officer Green's assignments or these sensor readings to Sector Command -- we may believe Montalbon (coincidence) and his command crew have been suborned by an alien intelligence, but lacking proof we can't break their orders. We'll send Officers Fox and Lien, along with Doctor Picardo, to Planet Seattle to find out what's really going on -- but we have to be cool. We can't let Montalbon suspect that's what we're doing.
SPANDEX BABE: Spray the bonsai four times a day. We shouldn't be gone long enough for you to worry about food. This is *very* *important,* Mandy! *Please.*
HEALER: Both CalForce and the Adjusted League are in deep space risking their lives... and for the first time since I retired to run the Academy, I've had to watch them go. Almost everyone I love or care about is up there and all I can do is wait. I am *not* a fan of this feeling.
FAITH: **I can do anything, from your limited frame of reference, Healer.**
TERTIUS FLEET BANELA OF THE MAGISTRIX: The dominant space power in the region is Earth, because of one ship: the Pretty Damn Fine Ol' Hellacious Ship "Alamo's Revenge's Revenge," as owned by Stetson Tyler, Space Cowboy. It's six thousand miles long. It destroyed a huge number of Xolchipalian and Ottsamattawidu ships in a Satanic-led run against Earth. Whoever controls that ship controls this sector of space.
OTTSAMATTAWIDU ADMIRAL NARNIUS: An agricultural programmer named M'Yet of House Dukat and his wife from Planet South Dakota suddenly had the resources to move to Planet Seattle and open a restaurant. Somehow a coder and a farmer broke into our most secure Armory and recovered the Oanthat -- a weapon that can turn thought into reality. M'Yet is using it, and he's clearly insane -- but if the Oanthat is removed by force, it will go unstable and destroy everything within thirty light years unless another host is found quickly.
PRIMUS MYSTICA JENNIFER CONNELLY (Coincidence): Pentus Mystica Coye... I know your assignment is finished, but we have an additional requirement. There are a group of beings... and something you must do in the battle that will follow. You will be generously rewarded for your assistance.
M'YET OF HOUSE DUKAT: They are coming, my beloved R'lla. They are coming to test my ascendence, and forge me in a crucible of power, catalyzing the next stage of my evolution. I have no problem initiating that reaction.
MASKED BRUCE: M'Yet is down! Spandy -- the Oanthat's going critical! Get it!
SPANDEX BABE: Halfway to grabbing the Oanthat, I was blasted away by some... person who'd been cloaked to the side of the battle and couldn't reach it. The Masked Bruce had no choice but to grab it instead. I'm just glad he was there, even if he did undergo... apotheosis, I guess?
XDF LEFTENANT COMMANDER RICARDO MONTALBON (Coincidence): Yeeeeesss... that is perfect... absolutely perfect....
CORPSMAN ALEC GUINNESS (Coincidence) OF THE FIFTH: ...things are worse than I dared fear. I'm afraid if you don't get me to Planet Seattle with all haste... the entire universe is due to go into something of a recession.
MASKED BRUCE: If you want me to give the Oanthet back, I will. But it needs a host and currently I'm not losing my mind, so don't we have to consider my just... keeping it?
PRIMUS MYSTICA JENNIFER CONNELLY (Coincidence): Tertius Fleet Banela... you are organizing a suicide run by a minor stellar power called the Disposab'll against Earth, to test the _Alamo's Revenge's Revenge,_ are you not? If you can delay this attack until I tell you, it will allow us to complete many projects... and make it that much easier for you to... assist Primus Fleet Arlor to a promotion or retirement while you become Primus Fleet.
EMPRESS GLUM OF THE OTTSAMATTAWIDU EMPIRE: The current Parliament is dissolved, by my authority as vested in the Articles of Confederation. Election will be held in exactly six Imperial Months time to provide a new Parliament. Upon the inauguration of the new Parliament, the decree of Kikadkem III, which revoked all privileges of royalty for all except the Emperor and those directly in line for the Throne, will be extended to cover the Throne itself. All Imperial power will be divested onto the Parliament and its elected Prime Minister. For all intents and purposes, I am the Last Empress of the Ottsamaddawidu Empire.
LADY AWE-INSPIRING: We already have thousands of soldiers ready to die for me, knowing I promise them nothing but my own disdain. Their loyalty is unquestioned. It shall not be much longer before we can strike.
MIKE GREEN: Planet Seattle's throwing a party for us, for saving their world, Dianna. No one's going to know we let you out of your cage for one night as thanks for a job *very* well done. As Deputy Leader, I'm pretty sure I get to make that call.
JANE WEST GARRICK-ALLEN: Trudy's taking a run at being bride of the regiment tonight -- she's an adult and we know she's smart enough to be safe, but this is way out of her experience. I'm worried about her. We're all worried about her.
TRUDY GALLOWAY: Dianna -- you and Healer have to beat guys off with a stick. In case you haven't noticed? I don't. And because of that whole 'secret identity' thing I can't trade off my notoriety back home. This is the one place where Trudy Galloway and Unorthodox Girl can be the same person and I'm gonna enjoy it! My mother's head was caved in with a lamp when I was eight, so I'm pretty sure you aren't her -- so just back *off.*
HEALER: One of our Academy Students -- a girl called Transit -- has incredibly precise teleportation powers, an innate sense of mathematics, and a spatial sense of the universe around her. She's an artificial person, gengineered from the ground up and designed not to get sick. But now she's fallen into a fever with nausea and weakness and we can't find a reason why. I'm worried her powers may be breaking down -- but if they aren't, then there's an external cause and we have to find it.
TRASHMAN: We do not punish one of our members for the murder of an innocent as a public relations exercise, Masked Bruce. And we do not relax those punishments because 'no one will ever know.' We will know. And she will know. And she deserves to be treated consistently. Is that *completely* understood?
DIANNA: Dani... I have to see this disciplinary action through. I have to. But after that... there's no place for me here any more. I'm a distraction at best, and useless at worst. I'm pretty sure Mike just got in trouble over me. It's... there's nothing for me here any more.
HEALER: From all appearances, the Masked Bruce's apparent apotheosis has him feeling a bit euphoric, but otherwise he's not being affected. And that's what's worrying Trashman, right?
KID SOLIPSISM: At this point, my subconsciousness decided that everything I love about the Adjusted League Unimpeachable is dying, Mandy. But I don't want to go... because as insane as it is... I don't want to leave you.
MANDY HARKEN: I love you, Kid. You decided that I love you.
KENT CLARK: Key... if I return to Megapolis -- will you... come with me?
MIGHTY GUY: All those in favor of dissolving CalForce, please say aye.